Just on a whim I decided to cruise through Xanga sites from old friends that hadn't posted for ages.  People just like me.

I was amazed to find posts that never showed up in my subscription feed.

I wonder how to find folks on Facebook.

Or maybe they'll find me.

Karl Blessinger for any that are interested.

This is an actual letter from someone who ranches, writes well, and tried this!

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I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED!

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head -- almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal --like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work.

In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave.

I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

All these events are true so help me God...

Sincerely,

NAME WITHHELD (for obvious reasons)

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years,

teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me

as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw,

brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen"

South Dakota Ghost

This happened about a month ago just outside of Rosholt, a little town in the back country of South Dakota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghost like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Hosmer. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other,...........
'Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain.'

Alabama Chuckle

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.  The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.  The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some dummy wants to buy half a head of lettuce.

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.  We like people who think on their feet here.  Where are you from, son?"

" Alabama , sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Alabama ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and football players there."

"Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Alabama "

TRUTHS FOR MATURE HUMANS


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Da** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

Here a DILF, there a DILF, everywhere a DILF DILF...

Ain't nothin' better than a nice ass in a pair of Wranglers.

Gotta love the State Fair!

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE


A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.

I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'  

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'  
 
'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.
 
OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'  
 
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'  
 
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

Gonna hop a jet-plane and get me some sun in Sarasota. Y'all behave yourselves while I'm gone!

It's March...and that means Papa Luigi!  As a fundraiser for our hospital foundation Papa Luigi travels to a different destination every year.  This year Papa went to Sturgis.

If you've never heard of Sturgis...you need to get out more often.  It is a huge, week-long Harley Davidson motorcycle rally held every year in Sturgis, SD.  Think 24/7 drunken debouchary.

It was upright on my flashdrive.  The theme for our table was Tattoos.  We "inked" a lot of people that night.

Some of my guests...

Yours truly at the back of the table.  That vest was purchased a mere 6 hours before the event.  I decided to forego the chaps.

The emcee was a local auctioneer and the guy in black the Executive Director of the foundation.

Two of my guests...Abby and Ross...were celebrating their 6th Wedding anniversary.

This was their reaction when I announced their anniversary from the podium...as well as indicating that I got them the traditional gifts for a 6th wedding anniversary.

Candy and Iron.

Their goodie basket.  For candy...his and hers edible undies, a candy whip, gummi penis and gummi boobs.  For iron...handcuffs.

(It should be noted that Abby asked if she had to give the handcuffs back.  She also informed me two days later that the gummi boobs and penii were really good!)

One of the "Sturgis" games.  Each contestant has a "ball sac" made of two tennis balls in a leg of pantyhose.  The idea is to smack the tennis ball in front of you with your "low hangin' balls" and knock it across the finish line.

Melissa got some fresh ink in a sweet spot before the night was over.

This is how you Gay up a Harley.

My able bodied assistant!

Mel got more than one tattoo that night!