June 18, 2009

  • Twilight

    Sorry these pics are rather dark, but it was...well...dark outside.  I happened to glance in the back yard while having my pre-bed chat with Special Someone and all I could think was "Damn...those hostas are pretty friggin' huge this year."

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    The view from the top level of the deck.

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    I've never seen this hosta get so big.  It must be the combination of lots of rain and cooler temperatures.

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    The deck in all of it's newly power-washed glory.  Hopefully I'll get the fountain uncovered this weekend.

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    Ground level.  We planted mint in the blue pot...and it's going gangbusters.

June 14, 2009

  • Sundry

    A successful weekend of auction buying.  I'm sure pics will be forthcoming.

    In the meantime...a little tid-bit from my newest emails.

    >Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew, and, soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings and formal portraits.

    >One day while Ole was mowing the lawn, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request.

    >The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay him $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife Lena, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his missus.

    >In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

    The other joke I heard this weekend:

    South Dakota had decided to build a new Zoo, but the project proved impossible.

    There wasn't enough fencing to go around Minnesota.

June 11, 2009

  • Tanked

    Subject:   The Irish Bagpiper



    As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.? The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

    I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

    As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car..

    As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

June 9, 2009

  • Belle of the Ball

    Well...Prom actually.

    The Lake Byron Prom 2009.  Not your typical Prom, although there WAS a King and Queen.  Quite a lot of Queens.  Check 'em out.

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    I might not have grown up in a barn...but I went to Prom in one.  This was my first prom.  I was very involved in planning my two Highschool proms...but I didn't attend them.

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    Mother Hofer was in charge of the Registry...and collecting $5 from anybody that came through the door.

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    Brian, Ros and Scott in the Prom Picture area.  Please note that we all interpreted the "Formal" in formal as we saw fit.  It's only the second time that I've seen Scott NOT wearing a baseball cap.

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    Our Host...Andy.

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    Brian opted for hot pink shorts.  I went for the Florida Formal look...hot pink old man golf pants and white tennis shoes.

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    More guests arrived.  They raided the Red Hat Society closet for costumes.

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    Ros and Ross indulging in their barn-party tradition.  Jello shots.

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    Lolly and Jim.  Yessir...she made that dress.

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    "May I suggest the Sausage" and don't miss the positioning of his tie.

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    Jeni in the Middle.  She's wearing the same dress that she wore when she went to Prom with Andy...way back then.

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    Steve lost his shirt on the way to Prom.

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    Taffeta, mesh and an armful of Liquor.  Now that's Classy!

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    No need to smuggle adult beverages in.  Hell...just carry 'em.

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    Dawn and Don.  Double D's.  In more ways than one.  Dawn had a dress "malfunction" shortly before this picture...and shared more of herself than she planned.

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    Mark decorated the barn up real purty.

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    This is Jason.  Originally from South Dakota he now lives in California.  He was back to visit his family.  Don't ask me how he wound up at Lake Byron.

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    Her yellow gown was absolutely gorgeous.

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    Like I said...lots of Queens at the party.  Well...Mos at least.

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    Voting for the King and Queen of Lake Byron Prom.  Note the two Queens in the background.

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    Lolly was quite the dancer.  She also flipped her dress to show off her petticoats quite often.  Note the DJs.  A pair of Twinks and their Lesbian counterparts.

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    Mos, Mos, Mos...everywhere.

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    It's those damn Jello Shots again.

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    Come Hither My Pretty...

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    Yes Virginia...that is Christmas Tree garland.

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    Look at that Tail a-swingin'.

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    Mos?  You Betcha.  Who else would bring a Cosmopolitan kit complete with glasses?

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    The Decorator...Mark.

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    Shit Eatin' Grin.  Ain't no other way to describe it.

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    The Outhouse.  Imagine hikin' a gown in there.

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    Nope.  Not snow.  Just dust...and falling decorations.

    Thanks for stopping by.  Please join us soon for the next episode of Build Your Own Fun in South Dakota.

     

     

May 29, 2009

  • A Bird in the Can...

    Not much excitement going on in Dr. B Land.  The best thing is that they've started redoing my deck.  Pretty soon I'll be able to get my new patio furniture in place.

    The Lake Byron Prom was last weekend.  As soon as I get them I'll post pictures.  Interestingly enough it was the first Prom I ever attended.

    But for now, my little Pumpkins, a story...

    About two weeks ago I wandered outside to water my freshly planted herbs and flowers.  As is typical I grabbed the watering can from the side of the house and filled it with the garden hose.  I then carried the can to the back yard and attempted to water my basil.

    Attempted.  After only a couple of seconds the stream of water cut off.  I shook the still full can and tipped it again...but still no water came out.

    Given that the can sits out all the time I assumed some sort of debris was blocking the spout.  I grabbed a dowel rod out of the garage and pushed into the spout from the outside.  Indeed, I met considerable resistance.  I continued pushing and finally something plopped back into the can.

    I walked over to the garden and tipped the can sideways to dump out whatever debris had blocked the spout.

    It was a baby bird.  I was horrified.

    And then it cheeped at me.

    It was a cold night and the bird was absolutely soaked.  The bird obviously wasn't going to get off the ground any time soon.  I whipped into the garage and grabbed a couple of paper towels.  I then made a "nest" in the middle of several succulents in the garden and "pushed" the bird into the nest with the dowel rod.

    I figured after that it was up to Mother Nature.

    When I checked the next evening the bird was gone.  So was most of the paper towel.  The fate of my little avian friend was uncertain.

    Uncertain, that is, until last Saturday.  While Special Someone and I were working on yard projects I walked into the garage to grab fertilizer.  As I turned to walk out there was a flurry of activity at the door.

    My little avian friend came in to visit.  It (a robin, actually) cheeped at me for a minute and then flew out of the garage.

    I don't know if it was a "Thank You" or a "Fuck You Imbecile" but it still made me feel better.

May 21, 2009

  • Just Because

    25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
    'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning..'

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
    'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
    'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

    4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
    ' Because I said so, that's why .'

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
    'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
    'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

    7. My mother taught me IRONY
    'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
    'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

    9.. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
    'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

    13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
    'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
    'Stop acting like your father!'

    15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    'Just wait until we get home.'

    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
    'You are going to get it when you get home !'

    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they a re going to freeze that way.'

    19. My mother taught me ESP.
    'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

    20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
    'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'

    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
    'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

    22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    'You're just like your father.'

    23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

    24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

    25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
    'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'

May 13, 2009

  • Chunky Monkey

    So....

    I was playing with a prostate today (after a surgeon removed it).

    Examination of the seminal vesicles revealed two bits of information.

    a) The patient hasn't gotten any Straaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaange in a while.

    b) The patient hasn't helped himself (iffen ya know what I mean) during his Straaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaange-free interval.

    Quite the gravel load.

    Dinner party for Saturday evening is shaping up.  If ya happen to be in the neighborhood just stop on by.  I'll have extras for the grill!

May 12, 2009

  • How do I Off these Guys?

    I was reviewing my list of subscriptions and I've noticed that there are more than a few that haven't blogged in over a year.

    I can't see how I'm supposed to manage my subscriptions list anymore.  Hrmmmm.

    The other problem I have is...just when I decide to delete them from my subscription list...they let out a random eructation of a post.  Then I feel mildly guilty.  You know...like I was giving them the Coup de Grace when they weren't quite really ready to be dead yet.

    Who'da thought Xanga could induce such anxiety?  Anybody interested in starting a support group?  I'll bring the weekly treats...

May 10, 2009

  • A Day in the Life

    Recent conversation between myself and an acquaintance that I met at an auction on Saturday.

    "Whaddya think, Dr. B?  Any good stuff at this auction?"

    "I haven't seen anything that I can't live without."

    <sniff>

    "Say, Dr. B...what's that cologne you're wearing?"

    "Egoiste Platinum.  Why?"

    "Well...it smells rather...ripe.  Like...raw meat ripe."

    "Oh...that's Eau d' Mort."

    "Eau d' Mort?"

    "Yeah...you're smelling the autopsy that I just finished."

    <silence>

    "You really are a sick bastard."

    "I try."

May 7, 2009

  • Beg, Borrow and Steal

    I pinched this from paintingbychagall.  Life has been really boring lately but I feel guilty not posting something.

    1. Have you ever been searched by the cops? Not a real cop.  And it wasn't so much searched as felt up.

    2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters? Nope, because you can't pay me enough to get on a roller coaster.

    3. When's the last time you've been sledding? I was probably 10.

    4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? I SLEEP better alone, but I like having someone with me in bed.

    5. Do you believe in ghosts? Hell yes.

    6. Do you consider yourself creative? Somewhat...especially in the kitchen.

    7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife? Most definitely.

    8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? Angelina, baby. 

    9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics? Quite a bit, actually. 

    10. Do you know how to play poker? Um...yeah.  That's how I got my spending money in high school.

    11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? Unfortunately, yes.  Transplant surgery rotation when I was in medical school.  I was up for 72 hours straight.

    12. What's your favorite commercial? The Geico "First Dollar" commercial. 

    13. Who was your first love? Her name was Foxy.  She was labrador.

    14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around you, do you run a red light? Seriously.  I'm in small town South Dakota.  How many red lights do you think we have? 

    15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? Lots of them.

    16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees? Neither.  I've never sullied my Pink Card with sports.

    17. Have you ever been Ice Skating? Yes.  Kinda.  Sorta.  I spent most of my time on my ass instead of on the ice skates.

    18. How often do you remember your dreams? Daily. 

    19. What's the one thing on your mind? Should I have the all you can eat crab legs special at dinner tonight? 

    20. Do you always wear your seat belt? Yes.

    21. What talent do you wish you had? Autofellatio.

    22. Do you like Sushi? Very much so.

    23. What do you wear to bed? If it's just me...boxer briefs.  If Special Someone is around...it's all Skins.

    24. Do you truly hate anyone? Not really.  Intensely dislike is about as far as I go.

    25. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be? David Beckham.  He's so Tat-nasty.

    26. Do you know anyone in jail?  Unfortunately, yes. 

    27. What food do you find disgusting?  Mac-n-cheese from a box. 

    28. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their backs?  Rarely. 

    29. Have you ever been punched in the face?  Hell no.  Slapped, yes.  Had beer chucked in my face, yes.  Punched, no. 

    30. Do you believe in angels and demons? Not really.