October 13, 2008

• Monday Monday

  Cuz this day has seemed twice as long as normal.

  I wish I could convince my boss to let me off for Native American Day.

  Wait…

  I am my boss.  Apparently I can’t even win an argument with myself.

  I had the kids for dinner last night.  It was a “Build Your Own Burrito” kind of event.  I provided multiple different types of hot sauce and salsa for condiments.

  Amongst them was a little beauty called “Satan’s Blood.”  It clocks in at 250,000 Scoville units.  For comparison, I think jalapenos are less than 10,000 scoville units.

  Friend Brian wanted to use “Satan’s Blood” to spice up his burrito so I gave him a toothpick so that he could sparingly apply the burning death.

  He added it to his burrito and found it good.  He also inadvertently applied it to his penis and found it BAD.

  “Spice up his burrito” indeed.

  And now for more fun…

  And that’s how the fight started…

  When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…..so, I took her to a gas station….. and that’s how the fight started….

  I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that’s how the fight started…..

  After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for  Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’. And that’s how the fight started…..

  My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’  ’Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’ And that’s how the fight started…..

  I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’ So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’ And that’s how the fight started…..

  I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’ He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’ And that’s how the fight started…..

  • 4:33 pm
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