March 1, 2010

  • When is a Cat not a Cat?

    Special Someone and I spent a good portion of the weekend at one of his floral wholesale suppliers.  The Saturday evening show ended a little after 8.

    As we pulled into his driveway Special Someone said "Back up a little."

    Me: "What?"

    SS: "Back up a little."

    Me: (backs the truck up a little)

    SS: "What is that on the porch?  A cat?"

    Me: "Nope.  It's a possum."

    SS: "A what?"

    Me: "A possum."

    SS: "Are they dangerous?"

    Me: "They can be if they're cornered or protecting their young.  Don't let it bite you...it won't let go."

    SS: "How do we get it away from the door?"

    So...I tried honking the horn, which startled Mr. Opossum but didn't budge him.  After hitting the horn several times SS punched me in the arm and told me to quit...apparently honking the horn was a little too "white trash."

    Right...there's a friggin' possum on the porch and he's worried about "white trash."

    Then we tried throwing snowballs at it.  That got it moving but not all the way off the porch.  It hid between the house and the railing on the porch.

    I tried banging on the porch with a snow shovel.  That got no response.

    SS threw a brick at it.  It should be noted that SS is also gay (duh) and as we all know d' homos are genetically challenged when it comes to a) throwing and b) catching physical objects.  The brick didn't make an impression on the possum...but it certainly left an impression on the urn sitting on the porch.

    I finally shook the railing and the possum scampered off the porch...and into the window well of a basement window.

    We went into the house and SS immediately headed for the garage.

    Me: "What are you doing?"

    SS: "Getting my .22 pistol."

    (Oh, great...SS is going all Clampett on me.)

    Me: "You can't do that."

    SS: "Yes I can."

    Me: "No.  You can't fire that gun in the city limits."

    So SS grabs a pellet/BB rifle and begins pumping it up.

    Me: "That won't do much good.  It'll only annoy the damn thing."

    SS: "It might scare it out of the window well."

    Me: "You are not going to shoot the damn possum.  It'll crawl out on it's own."

    SS discharges the BB gun into a bag of cat litter...after being reminded that discharging the gun at the bare, concrete floor probably isn't all that good of an idea.

    An hour and a half later, after shutting off all the outside lights, our furry friend was gone.  I can't wait to see if it shows up on a regular basis.

    Incidentally, we did consider calling animal control.  One should always remember, however, that animal control doesn't capture the animal and turn it loose in an appropriate habitat.  Animal control with euthanize the animal.

February 23, 2010

  • Territory

    So...Special Someone and I bought a new mattress on Saturday.  A "select-number" firmness type of mattress.  It was being delivered today so last night I stripped the old mattress in the master bedroom to get ready.  Among other things the dust-ruffle was safety pinned to the old box-spring and it took forever to get unfastened.

    So I slept in the guest room last night.  And discovered that I had broken several rules.

    A) Downstairs is cat territory.

    B) The guest bed is cat exclusive.

    C) Breaking "routine" is a cat no-no.

    D) Breaking Cat rules results in a largely restless night.

    E) Invading cat territory means slamming doors, constant scratching in the litter box and commando dashes across the bed.

    I have learned my lesson.  Besides...tonight we get to break in the new bed.

January 27, 2010

  • MIA

    And not as in Mama Mia!

    Missing In Action.

    I do remember how to blog.  I swear I do.  I just have all the ambition of an 80-year-old sex worker with a dried up, crusty snatch.

    Now aren't you glad I'm not blogging more often?

December 30, 2009

  • Party Pics

    At last...Christmas party pictures.

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    This is actually from Special Someone's Christmas party.  He dressed up the David statue in his bathroom.

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    And the David statue in the Sunroom.

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    My party.  Anytime you see Melissa in my house...chances are good that Shaved Beaver pillow will be in her lap.

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    I swear that Special Someone just waits to catch me with expressions like this on my face.  At the time I think I was speculating on the authenticity of the Psalter in front of the fireplace.

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    Winkin', Blinkin' and Nod?

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    Ros finds the dessert table.

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    Lynnette with a dry shirt (more later).

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    Bill sat by the cash register for most of the evening.  I think a Hold-up was planned.

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    Snogging?  I think not...

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    Lori discovers where I hide the trash can.

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    We always seem to congregate in the kitchen.

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    Rick and Brian discuss weighty matters.

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    WTF?  It looks like the Ghost of Christmas Present flashed through the picture.

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    Big Red!

    And...before the next series of pictures...an explanation.  Several people wanted to see my remodeled bathroom.  I happened to mention the TWO man shower and Jeni decided it would be fun to see how MANY people would fit in the shower.  The answer was four...people willing to climb in.

    And then the inevitable happened.

    Jeni nudged the shower handle...

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    And soaked the lot of them.  As she screamed at me (outside the shower) to shut the water off.  She seemed to think I had a remote control to turn the shower off and on.

    The really funny thing was that after she shut the water off...she turned around and inadvertently turned it on again.

    There was a lot of Crown Royal and Water to blame.

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    Andy got a little damp.

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    Lynnette got a good soaking.  Lee was barely moist.  And his shirt wasn't too wet either.

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    Andy can't wait to share the news with the other guests.

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     A new dry shirt for Jeni.  Lynnette got one too.

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    And now it's Ros' turn with the Shaved Beaver!

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    As the party winds down...

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    The Christmas tree with lights off.

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    And this is the picture from Special Someone's back door during the blizzard last week.

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    Believe it or not there is a pond under there.

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    Relatively shallow area of snow.

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    Special Someone's roommate Chris...shovel in hand...cell phone at ear.

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    And by this pose...you guessed it...He's a big Mo!

     

     

December 23, 2009

  • Let it snow...

    Da Blizzard is on its way.  6-10" of snow and 40 mph winds.  That's the true meaning of White Out.

    Luckily I only have to cross town for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  And town ain't that big across.

    Unluckily...Special Someone will be staying in Sioux Falls because of the for shit weather.

    Happy Holidays to you all.

December 18, 2009

December 15, 2009

  • Made me laugh...

    There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

    Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.


    The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

    He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


    The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

    At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

    The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.


    The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .


    'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

    'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

December 1, 2009

  • Party Pics

    Just a little visual pleasure to let you all know what you missed by skipping my Beaujolais Nouveau celebration.

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    The boquet that Special Someone put together for the event.  Note the little foam breads and cheeses.  Zippity kitty loved them.

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    Setting the table.

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    Brian's dessert display.

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    The wine...and a whole lotta glasses.  Our final guest tally was 51.

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    Ready...set...go!

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    The Guests arrive.

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    Melissa and Special Someone.

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    Scott and Nettsie.  I think he was giving her a massage.  There are five gay bois in this one picture.  That's a critical mass for South Dakota.

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    We're all checking out a "ghostly" phenomenon on the digital camera.  They were disappointed when I pointed out the effect was due to two mirrors on opposite sides of the room.

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    I don't know what they were talking about but apparently jazz hands were a necessity.

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    That expression just screams "Okay...which one of you did it?"

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    Clean up time.

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    Dismantling left over chicken kabobs.  They were reincarnated as stir fry the next day.

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    Brian and Jon rehash the evening.

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    Don't you just love that apron?

     

November 23, 2009

  • Monday Funnies

    UPS
    Airlines

    Just in case you need a laugh: 
    Remember it takes a college degree to fly a
    plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a
    reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our
    jobs.

     

    After every flight, UPS
    pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe
    sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the
    aircraft. The mechanics corrects the problems, document
    their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe
    sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
    humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted
    by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded
    (marked with an S) by maintenance
    engineers.

    By the way,UPS is the only major
    airline that has never, ever, had an
    accident.


    P: Left inside main
    tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
    *
    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
    *
    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.
    *
    P: Dead bugs on windshield..
    S: Live bugs on back-order.
    *
    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
    200-feet-per-minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
    *
    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.
    *
    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.
    *
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.
    *
    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
    *
    P: Suspected crack in
    windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.
    *
    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
    *
    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be
    serious.
    *
    P:Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
    *
    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.
    *
    And the best one for last
    *
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
    midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from the midget.

November 19, 2009

  • Let's Hear it for the Grape

    Well...the 2009 Beaujolais Nouveau has hit the shelves and according to my co-host Brian it is really good this year.

    We're gearing up for our party.  So far we've got about 50 guests that have said they will be there.  We're going fancy this year.  Your's truly dragged out the sterling flatware!

    The menu, in part:

    Chicken kabobs with a teriyaki glaze, chicken empanadas, cheese tortellinis in alfredo sauce, spinach balls with a curry dipping sauce, meat/cheese/spice stuffed croisants (shaped in a bundt pan), blue cheese biscuits, gorgonzola "loaf" (actually shaped in a spring-form pan), various veggies, mixed nuts and at least three desserts.

    And the wine.  Oh, yes, the wine.  I ordered in two cases.  Hopefully that will be enough.

    Soooooooooooo...if any of you happen to be in the neighborhood just stop on by.  We'll leave the lights on.